My UB story is a little different. I didn’t learn about UB before having a baby… or while I was pregnant, but only after I lost my baby girl. My daughter passed away at 10 weeks old in May 2017, just before Mother’s day, making Mother’s day a very difficult time for me. She was and still is my first child. It’s a whole story how my daughter died but not what I want to share right now.
However her passing left me riddled with guilt. I didn’t do enough… I didn’t take care of her enough… did I show her enough love? I didn’t wear her enough… would have, should have, could have. I had to go through extensive therapy just to get past blaming myself.
While I was slowly coming out of the fog of self blame I would look up things I could have done with her or for her. The best options I could have chosen. And so my UB story began. It was perfect! The kind of carrier I would have loved to wear my daughter in and have many skin to skin moments with her. I connected with this carrier and said prayers to her about it. I spoke about it to my husband. Everyday while looking up things, I checked the UB carrier out as well. I was oblivious to why at the time… but I know now… I have known for a while. It was what other parents had and I could not have… the presence of their babies closest to their hearts. I yearned for that and I could not have it.
This kind of grief is never ending just like love it’s forever. I have accepted that and I succumb to it’s demands everyday. But there are good days and that comes with it’s own hurt too.
My rainbow baby, the sunshine through the storm.
I have a rainbow baby now. Parents who have lost babies might know of this term. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss of a child, a miscarriage or still birth. It does not mean an absence of a storm but sunshine through the storm which perfectly describes my life. I terribly miss my daughter everyday. Everyday I am reminded of her absence and yet I am grateful to have my son and see him reach so many milestones I never got to see with his big sister.
In 2018, while I was still pregnant with my son I already knew that I wanted to be close to him as much as I can when he is a baby…. close to my heart like all the other Moms I saw with their little ones. But I wanted it to represent both my daughter and my son. I wanted a “rainbow” UB carrier. I wrote to UB and made a special request and they were kind enough to make my dream come true.
A note from us at UB: we are so proud of Mihlalikazi for sharing her story, it’s taken her months to get to this point of being able to share with us and we cannot express enough gratitude for her bravery. Thank you Mihlali.