A deep painful cry and the best decision I ever made.

“I’m marching up and down our wooden floors. Listening to my own heels hit the floorboards intentionally harder. The floor creaks which sends the dog barking (why did we want wooden floors?) My 14-week old little girl is tied to my chest with a stretch wrap. Baby-wearing they said. It’s a life-changer they said. Well, Lara hates baby-wearing and she’s been crying on my chest for 15min while I march up and down these dammed floors. No gorgeous sleepy baby against my chest. Snot, spit and tears against my chest. I’ve decided its better than leaving her in her cot to cry. I’ve decided against leaving my little girl to cry herself to sleep. I follow my intuition (who’s been good to me from the moment I stared into Lara’s big beautiful eyes).

So back to my baby-carrying. The only reason I’m using the wrap is because my arms and wrists are too sore from the two previous similar stints today. Heard of De Quervain’s tenosynovitis? It’s a thing. Painful wrists that some moms get. So I put my baby against my chest and hope that my voice will soothe her. It works and eventually, she’s sleeping (I’m still marching). Today I think was a tough day (but you don’t know what tomorrow brings!). I look down at my beautiful girl tied to my chest – this is the best decision I’ve ever made.

Some day’s I feel like a super-mom. Other days I cry a deep painful cry because I feel like I’m failing at everything. All this is totally normal… but it’s hard. So to all the mom’s out there – keep doing what you are doing and follow your intuition because whatever your normal looks like – you are the best person for the job.”

I wrote the above exactly 3 weeks ago. Today I’m posting this as my little girl sleeps soundly in her Ubuntu Baba. She didn’t like being carried the first 10 times but now that she’s a bit older I try to entertain her until she’s comfortable. Today is the first day that I’m winning.