Life with a newborn – Postpartum thoughts

Luxuries in motherhood: Hot tea, hot food, hot shower. Anything hot really… welcome to the Fourth Trimester!

The last four weeks have been a wonderful adventure to say the least! It’s a time where nutrition and personal hygiene take a back seat and make way for a tiny human being with a whole lot of needs. Nothing can prepare you for this change and the only way out is through. But one thing I promise you, is that every damn second is worth it!

Sitting in my nursing bra and disposable underwear, my mind starts to wander… I notice that on my left foot, only one of my toes have nail polish on. How did that happen? My child has woken up and started to cry and now my right boob is leaking. Why only on the right side? I forgot to put a breast pad on and now my bra is wet. Shit. No not just the curse word. Literally shit – I have some on my hand. I must not have noticed it from the poop explosion that I cleaned up earlier. It’s fine, it’s just digested breast milk I tell myself as I wipe it off and throw the wet wipe away into an already full trash bin. I must empty that out. Yeah, something I planned on doing yesterday already but seriously, who has the time?

My son is crying and the ‘let down’ sensation feels like my nipples are being tasered at a low voltage. Is that normal? Must be. I’ll google it, but first – time to feed my beautiful screaming infant on my already raw breast. They still haven’t healed 100%. Why do people say they’ll be fine after ten days? Why don’t they prepare you with the truth? Or am I just abnormal? At least they have stopped bleeding and I no longer cry at the thought of him latching. That was fun. I look down at his face as he feeds. My heart melts, he is perfection! Makes all the pain worth it. Oh wait, there goes my left boob now. Shit, where did I put the breast pads? Not literal shit this time, just the curse word.

I’ve lost 10kg since birth. Sounds good right? In fact I lost 10kg in the first two weeks. I was very thrilled until thats where the weight loss ended. I’ve stopped weighing myself now because I realized it doesn’t actually matter. My stomach is squishy still. So much so that it feels alien to me. My stretch marks are still purple, I wonder when they will turn white?

“Are you embarrassed about your stretch marks?”

Not at all

“Then why do you hide them?”

Well I’m not embarrassed about my vagina either but I choose not to post pictures of that on social media either. Now excuse me I have some bottles to sterilise.

Speaking of bottles, what’s the proper way to sterilise them? Am I doing it right? Is there a specific method? Wait, let me google it… adding to my list of ridiculous google searches.

Ahh ok.

God my back hurts.

He is asleep in my arms. So peaceful and sweet. I smell his head and don’t think I’ve ever smelled anything sweeter. He snores ever so softly – still congested from birth – but that means he’s in a deep sleep. If I put him down now then I can possibly have a shower, do a load of washing, tidy this room up or make something to eat.

I’ll only have time for one though… so I’ll go with the meal. The shower can wait, it’s been three days but what can you do? Have another wipe down with a face cloth. Priorities are different now and I need sustenance in order to produce milk I reason with myself.

I set him down on the bed, using a warmed hot water bottle on the side to try mimic the feeling of sleeping on me. He doesn’t’t stir! Success! Wait, is he breathing? Yes, phew! I slowly creep out of the room and into the kitchen. It’s almost dinner time and I realise I actually haven’t eaten all day. Oats it is – they are good for boosting your milk supply. I put them on the stove and slice up a banana.

And then I hear him cry. Shit – again the curse word.

I walk into the room, mildly paranoid that anything is actually wrong. It’s not of course. I quickly change his nappy before I realise – my oats! Too late, they’re burnt. Oh well, banana and yoghurt it is. I wolf it down as the little man is ready for another feed. It makes me so thirsty, I look around for my water bottle. I’ve left it just. out. of. reach.

Too bad, I’ll have to get it later.

I feel like I’m dying of thirst now. How does breast feeding make you SO thirsty?

He doses off on my chest again and I wonder if I’ve ever truly known happiness before this? How can serving one tiny being make me this content? I could do this forever, honestly.

He falls asleep, I fall asleep. My battery will die because I forgot to put it on charge. Oh well!

Now it may not sound like it, but this… this is true bliss.

This post was originally published on Gabriella’s own blog here.
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