I see it. I know it. That look in your eyes…
There’s no hiding that grief and disappointment that comes with not getting the birth you dreamed for.
You say you’re okay, that things are getting better. And you know with time you’ll heal. But I see your anger, I see you holding back.
You question why you feel this way. You should be grateful for the beauty that surrounds you and stop dwelling on the past. At least that’s what that voice in your head keeps telling you. But there’s another voice that says otherwise…
She keeps asking questions, trying to dig deeper into why this happened to you. She wants to be heard, seen, felt, acknowledged. But the world doesn’t want her. The world rejects her and shuts her out, so you think you should too.
But what about me? What about ME? What do I do with the past 9 months of preparation, dreaming, wanting, believing? Do I just forget it and move on with my life? Yes, they say, your baby is healthy, you should be happy…
But she’s still there, that voice inside. She whispers, loudly – this is not okay! It was meant to be different! I am not okay. And that… that’s okay my dear.
So many of us are haunted with these feelings of shame, guilt and despair and while we should be enjoying these first few months, we just can’t seem to reach that level of happiness we used to be at. Things are different now and we can’t go back. That world seems like some sort of parallel universe, so far away, like a movie of someone else’s life.
From the moment we give birth, no matter which way that happens, we are changed, forever. It’s a new feeling that takes some getting used to. It’s messy. It’s dirty. It’s beautiful. Crazy beautiful! We literally lose our minds.
But then one day it hits you. The light. You feel, different. And you realize, that actually, you’ve got this and that absolutely everything is progress. This – today – this is progress. You made it, to here. And that’s really big. You are HERE.
And not much is going to scare you now. Because you, my dear, you made it through THAT! Yes! You made it.
And I see it. And I know it. That look in your eyes…
LOVE. COMPASSION. UNDERSTANDING. STRENGTH.
Back at you mama bear ;) you’ve got this.
It took a long time to make peace with my birth story and it’s such a relief to be free from the guilt, disappointment and sadness but a tiny piece of me will always mourn the “loss” of that opportunity.
Yes I know just what you mean. Xxx
Beautiful… Just what I needed
So beautiful,thanx for this!