Motherhood is a big change, you will never be the person you once were, and that’s ok. But it takes a while sitting in between who you were and who you’ve become to be really happy inside.
When I first had my babe I felt overwhelmed, unsure and had no confidence in what I was doing. I second guessed everything and always needed reassurance from others that what I was doing was correct. Then gradually over time, I grew in confidence. I trusted my judgement and gradually got into a rhythm of things.
Fast forward 12 months and I hit a low. A low I absolutely wasn’t prepared for, nor had any idea could happen. I was lost. I’d lost myself. My life was so consumed with my babe and her happiness that I sacrificed my own, and before I knew it I was a sad shell of the person I once was. I got through days without even looking in the mirror, I’d go a couple of days without a shower, I just didn’t seem to care. I didn’t laugh and felt like I had nothing interesting to say anymore.
This weekend I left my babe for the first time in 13 months and 3 weeks. I’m not going to lie, I was super anxious, and spent the most of Friday crying at being such a terrible mama to abandon her. When in actual fact I was being a good mama.
I went away and laughed and talked and relaxed. Yes I had mama guilt, when don’t we? But I realised just how lost I’d become, and slowly I started to find myself. Not the person I was before I had a babe, but the new and improved version.
Talking to other mamas since, I’ve found that so many go through the same thing. They’re not depressed as such, but just stuck in a sort of limbo, mourning the loss of who they once were, yet unable to see the absolutely awesome person they’re growing into.
Beautifully said Samantha, thanks for sharing. Wow it sure is a cosmic shift. Embracing the change is the key, but much harder than you’d think! What a total privilege to be a Mama :) xxx
Thanks Meggie, you’re right, such an absolute privilege xxx